The Sue of Saruman
by J.S. Mews
Summary: Arwen-Jade was your typical Mary Sue who happened to walk into a typical Middle Earth, make a wrong turn, and go where no Sue has gone before: Isengard. Plenty of Sue-bashing ahead, and a view of a long ignored character.
1. The Prologue

Imagine a world of magic, where all of your dreams could come true. It is a world of gorgeous elves, noble men, adorable hobbits, and plenty of adventure. Many become enchanted, but few can escape the boundaries set. As much as one may want to, one cannot save a beloved person if it is their fate to die. There could never be anyone to stop Celebrimbor from creating the Rings of Power, nor could someone protect Boromir and grant him life. As magical as Middle Earth was, there were some things that time cannot change.

Some try to battle fate. These few have entered Middle Earth and are known as Mary Sues. In their little fictional realities, they are successful. The elf queen is half unicorn, half elf, and half goddess magically appears and saves Boromir from the evil orcs, dying tragically until his true love's kiss brings her to life. The enchanting Queen Galadriel decides that she loves Celebrimbor, who somehow returns her affections. Annatar never gains control over anyone and is killed as the two elves live happily ever after. None of them care that there have not been any royal elves on Middle Earth since the First Age when Fingolfin came from Valinor, nor do they realize that Galadriel met Celeborn far before any other person and he was her true love.

Yet this is the rather unique story of a Sue. She did not change the storyline drastically, and her destiny is simply a misunderstanding. Of course, she did not seem different from any other Sue. Her name was Arwen-Jade, and she was a tree elf. Everyone loved her, but she was afraid it was all superficial. She wanted someone to love her not because of her beautiful golden curls, or her rainbow eyes that changed color according to her mood. She wanted people to not care about her amazing sense of style, which included very logical dresses, long and white to match the beautiful clouds in the sky, whose grace and beauty she had obtained through her grandmother, who was Iris, the goddess of the rainbow. She hoped that one person would not just look at her for her nice chest size or her beautiful legs. Under all that superficiality, Arwen-Jade believed that there was something more to her. She also believed that Legolas, the noble prince of Greenwood was her true love.

As she ventured out of her hidden homeland to the real part of Middle-Earth, she smiled at the thought of finding true love. Of course, she had thought at that moment that she would find Legolas. Yet this story has a different ending, and this story is a tale of a Sue getting exactly what she deserved. This is the tale of Arwen-Jade and her long and unexpected stay in Isengard.

* * *

A/N: Hello there, fanfiction readers! I have decided to try my hand at humor, and I hope you find it funny. This story will take you through the mind of Arwen-Jade as she finds something quite unusual in her world of fantasy. Yes, the main character is Saruman, but I do hope you give my fanfiction a chance. I would appreciate reviews, constructive criticism, and anything else other than mindless insults you can think of. Thank you for reading!


	2. Arwen Jade the Linguist

"Le-ggy, Le-ggy, Le-ggy," Arwen-Jade chanted as she marched over the plains to Mirkwood. Never mind that she did not know where it was, but she figured any moment now, she'd find some elf. Anyway, the territory seemed familiar and her uncle Apollo was in the sky, shining brightly behind her. She knew that the North would not be as comfortable as her homeland, Pinkwood, but she was prepared to sacrifice comfort for her true love, Legolas.

She continued in this way for a good few hours, defying all logic by carrying a backpack with her entire wardrobe along with those odd books that she could not understand, never mind that they were written in Westron. No, Arwen-Jade knew that the language was one that only her true love could understand. She believed it held her fate along with his, and it would lead to great happenings. Believe it or not, our air-headed friend here is correct in the aspect of her fate sealed within the books.

Night fell and she still had not found the forest. She was very frustrated, having walked very far in her beautiful white dress. Sadly, her dress was becoming dirty, but she would never admit that. Of course, it was changing colors like the clouds in the sky as the sun set. She had passed a ruined place and hidden in the shadows as mortal men ran away, crying some gibberish including the word "Osgiliath" many times. She figured that there was an evil monster, and maybe her Leggy-Poo would appear and kill it. She decided to wait and see. Meanwhile, she figured that studying (and by studying she meant ogling) these men might be a useful idea. After a while, a handsome man who seemed to be the leader (maybe named Faramir, she couldn't tell) led the men away from the burning place. Although she was slightly alarmed, she knew once she found her Leggy-Poo, everything would be perfect again. She kept in mind this Faramir she had found and figured that if something went wrong with her Leggy-Poo, she wouldn't mind being in true love with her Ri-Mi.

As the last rays of the sun set after many days of traveling, she suddenly saw a forest. It was huge, with more trees than she had ever seen in her life, forgetting she grew up in a forest. Wandering in, she was slightly disappointed to see no flowers. Instead, she heard grumbling and groaning. She smiled, figuring that danger would come soon and then her true love would rescue her. Suddenly, she heard a boom right behind her. Arwen-Jade's eyes turned bright pink and she screamed in feminine fear. A huge tree seemed to be behind her! As her eyes turned almost white, the world went black for a moment.

As she regained consciousness, she heard a deep voice. It seemed passionate, and loving. Her heart sped up as her eyes turned purple. It was her Legolas! Her true love! She felt warm arms lift her up and she decided to look into his eyes for the first time. Indeed, she looked into her savior's eyes. Then she blinked. She decided to pinch herself again. What had happened to her love?

This being had a long grey beard and brown eyes. His hair was grey, and he seemed to be wearing really cool tie dyed clothing. His ear, which she could barely see, was not pointy at all. Arwen-Jade's eyes turned orange as she tried to figure out this mystery. She decided, with some of her brilliant wit, that she would ask her savior to tell her who he was.

"I am Saruman," she heard the voice said. Faintly, she remembered that she knew Elvish, and she heard another voice that sounded like, "Im Saruman," underneath the man's words. She did not realize it was Sindarin that she miraculously understood, but she was excited to know that someone here spoke her language. She knew right from that moment that this man would help her find her true love, Legsie Doll. She figured that the best way to begin would be by introducing herself, which she proceeded to do.

"Hi Saruman! I'm Arwen-Jade and I'm the prettiest tree elf of Pinkwood. My love, Legolas Greenwood of Mirkwood, might come by soon. You know, he's my truest true love ever! Isn't that exciting‽ Can you help me find him, Saruman‽ Can I call you Sari for short‽"She stopped for a moment to smile her nicest smile. The man looked quite confused. Suddenly, she felt something heavy hit her on the head. The world truly turned black for a good long while.

* * *

A/N: Next chapter, you will gain a small insight into the mind of Saruman. By the way, the odd symbol you see is called an interrobang. It's a very rarely used symbol that is a combination of the question mark and exclamation point. Pretty cool, isn't it?


	3. Saruman's Kindness

Saruman looked at the girl passed out in his arms. Of course, he had to knock her out. The girl was talking utter rubbish, and she obviously needed sleep. Any living creature with the ability to talk in its right mind knew that there was no such thing as a tree elf. Indeed, the people of Lothlórien did tend to stay in the trees, but they called themselves Galadhrim, not tree elves. What was Pinkwood? He knew of the elves in Mirkwood (formerly known as Greenwood), and he definitely knew of Rivendell and Lothlórien, and he knew Arda well enough to know that there was no way that a Pinkwood existed. What did this girl mean by her "truest love?" It did not sound like she had even met this "Leggy-Poo." She claimed her name was Arwen-Jade, but Saruman had seen the one and only Arwen back when he actually conversed with the elves of Rivendell. Unless Arwen had gone insane and adopted a new name that made her sound like a ridiculous hormonal human adolescent, along with changing her entire style to look like an overly tall Halfling who believed she was fancy, this girl could not be an elf at all, let alone Arwen, daughter of Elrond.

Exhausted, he carried her up into his tower and placed her on a long bench. The girl was obviously not suited for travel. Her sheer white dress, dirtied and torn up, made it obvious. Saruman was disgusted by the lack of respect the girl had for her appearance, with her rather disturbingly revealing dress and thin clothing. Had he been an average Man of earth and not an Istar, surely he would not have been as kind to the girl as he was. He admitted that he was not one to talk of helping people, but he almost pitied the girl for never being taught about common sense. If it had been one of those disgusting Haradrim that found her first…she might have not survived the night with her virginity. All the pity Saruman had almost felt for the girl disappeared the moment the girl's eyes turned orange and her mouth opened.

Again, Saruman was curious why those eyes changed color. It was almost unnatural, but he would have to wait and see what the girl said when she woke up. He was torn between gaining answers and the knowledge she had (if any) and knocking her unconscious again and saving himself some sanity. Unfortunately, the choice was made for him as she woke up and looked around, her eyes turning a very interesting shade of deep orange.

"Sari!! Where is Leggy‽‽‽" Saruman sighed and looked over at the girl. He realized that she speaking both main variations of Elvish at the same time. His head started to hurt as screechy Quenyan and Sindarin entered his ears at the same time. He assumed that he was Sari, though it made no sense and decided to respond.

"Dear Arwen-Jade, your prince is not here at the moment. He requests that you do not leave my vicinity and remain careful. Is there anything else you need?"

"Oh my gawd! He was here‽‽‽‽ Why didn't you wake me up‽‽‽ And what is that vincey word mean?" The girl's eyes seemed to be a disgusting mix of pink and purple that almost blinded him. Saruman held back a shudder and quickly came up with a response. Although he hated the girl, he had a feeling that she might be useful sometime in the future, if for nothing but for the knowledge of how to capture the elf she seemed to love.

"Legolas, being the honorable elf he is, decided that he did not want to wake you up. He had to go for a long time, and he wants me to watch over you and answer any questions you had for him." Saruman forced a smile on his face as the girl took a moment to understand what he was saying.

"Oh, Sari-Bear, I wish you could help little me, but only my true love can interpret these books for me! Put me down and I will show you the strange language that these books are in!" Saruman hesitated for a moment, but let her down and she took three large books out of her bag. Each of them looked as if they could be a good four hundred pages long. The girl covered up part of the text, but from what he could see, it was indeed written in Westron. Saruman held back a smirk as he looked at what he assumed was the author's name, for he believed that Tolkien would be a very odd name for a book.

"My lady, may I please take your books into my safekeeping for Legolas?" He did not want to admit it, but he was very curious to see what was inside these books by Tolkien. Saruman had always believed that knowledge was power, and books were simply another way to gain knowledge. He could even hope that it would help him with his current dealings with Sauron and Gandalf.

"Sure, Sari!! I trust you like Leggy does!!" The girl placed the books in his hands with a smile, and continued talking, "Oh my gawd, I am SO in a tower, right Sari‽‽‽ This is SO totally awesome, like amazing! I want to look around!" Saruman wanted to laugh at the girl's total naivety, but that would ruin the façade of kind and caring friend of an elf.

"Indeed, Arwen-Jade, you are in Isengard. This was a noble tower that held great importance when Gondor had a king. It was given to me for safekeeping." Saruman looked at the girl, whose eyes had once again turned orange. He was coming to understand that orange meant the girl was confused, and he guessed that it was the three syllable word he had just used that had left her in her current state of mind.

"I'm going to explore and find Leggy's room so I can surprise him when he gets home!" Her eyes turned crimson red, and her mind spoke through her eyes. Saruman was repulsed by what he saw in the girl's brain, the small one that she had. Unable to speak, Saruman nodded and the girl ran off, somehow managing not to trip over her unbearably long dress.

As her footsteps disappeared into the distance, he walked to his study, books in hand. The books appeared to be part of a trilogy, and he saw that The Fellowship of the Ring was labeled with a number one. He immediately became suspicious, seeing that the book referenced a fellowship and a ring. Perhaps it had to do with the situation he was in now…

He began reading, and to his surprise, it began with the Halflings, or hobbits, as they liked to call themselves. Saruman could not say that he particularly liked Halflings, but he did enjoy their pipe weed greatly. After a few moments of reading about the hobbies of hobbits, he reached the first chapter.

"When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton." Saruman took a moment and looked at the words again. It indeed sounded like the story that Gandalf had told him of his Halfling friend, Bilbo. Mesmerized, Saruman continued to read. As he finished the first chapter, he could not believe what he was reading. It seemed that these books, carried by a stupid girl who barely knew her own name, contained the story of his time!

Saruman spent the next few hours immersed in The Fellowship of the Ring. He stopped a few times to marvel at the fact that the conversation he had with Gandalf was repeated word for word, but again felt some pain at the fact that the insolent Istar did not listen to his wise counsels. Unfortunately, he was forced to stop reading in the middle of what was labeled "Book Two" in The Fellowship of the Ring when he heard a shriek from an irritatingly familiar voice. Taking deep breaths to control his temper, Saruman went to see what the irritating little brat that found her way to Isengard had done.

* * *

Author's Note: Hey, it's me again! I'd appreciate a few reviews if you're enjoying this, thanks.

I'd like to thank the time to thank fieryhairedmaiden92, my beta, for actually becoming my beta and editing this so quickly.


	4. Arwen Jade the Insectophile

Arwen-Jade was shocked. How could a spider dare to move in her way? Spiders knew that they were hated by Arwen-Jade and poisonous to her happiness, so they always stayed away. How could this disgusting little creepy crawly not understand that he could hurt her by standing nearby? Arwen-Jade was terrified, more terrified than she had ever been in her life, including her ride with Hermes through the clouds. She did the only thing she could think of at the moment: she screamed.

"SARI!! HEEEEEELP!!" Arwen-Jade continued to scream as she heard footsteps rushing up to her rescue. Arwen-Jade tapped her foot impatiently as she continued to scream. She could not help but wonder why it took so long for a hero to help a maiden in distress. She might even be dead by the time Sari could get to her, or even worse, pass out without a handsome hero behind her to catch her! (Not that he would mind, but she'd never guess that.) Arwen-Jade began to truly panic when the spider did not move away from her. Her screams rose in pitch and got louder as the time passed.

After a good five minutes of screaming, Saruman finally got to the top of the stairs, looking somewhat tired and breathing heavily. He would not let his face betray his confusion and annoyance at being called away, so he smiled at Arwen-Jade, who returned the smile.

"Now, Sari, you need to rescue me from the evil spider that can poison me!" Arwen-Jade ordered the Istar. "As you must know, all spiders are dangerous to me. They mostly don't go near me, but this one did! I don't wanna die!" Saruman looked at the girl with a curious expression and then looked at the spider.

"Dear Arwen-Jade, I promise you that this is no Ungoliant. This little spider cannot hurt you. It only strives to live, and I am quite sure that this arachnid is more terrified of you than you are of it. Nevertheless, I will take it away." Saruman reached down and picked up the little spider to take it outside. Arwen-Jade stared at him with an odd mixture of disgust, fear, and adoration. Saruman chose to ignore her expression and continue walking with the spider.

"Come follow me down these stairs, my lady. I will leave this spider to crawl safely out of my tower. Please do remember that this spider cannot hurt you." Wide-eyed, Arwen-Jade could only nod and follow as they went down hundreds of stairs. Saruman stepped out and winced for a moment at the burning smell. He glanced behind to see that Arwen-Jade was a great distance away. He quickly summoned one of his Uruk-Hai and gave him the spider, watching as the spider was eaten by the disgusting creature.

"Is the spider gone?" asked Arwen-Jade, shuddering as she mentioned the word spider. Saruman nodded and suddenly found himself with an armful of Arwen-Jade.

"Oh my gawd thank you Sari-Bear!! You saved my life!! I know that Leggy will give you a great prize when he returns, I just know it! I will make sure that happens! You're my bestest friend in the whole wide world!! Of course, that's, like, not including the gods because there Artemis and I are like, BFF status." For the first time in his long life on Middle Earth since becoming an Istar, Saruman was speechless.

* * *

Arwen-Jade had spent the rest of the day in her room that Saruman had kindly shown her. She could not stop thinking about how frightening that was, that spider who crept up on her, and how brave her Sari was to save her. He was so calm as he lifted that spider up; she was almost charmed by his manliness. Even though he was very old, Arwen-Jade felt that he was an amazing man. She wasn't sure if too many people would let her into their homes and not ask for a price. He was also a friend of Leggy, which made him amazing in her books. There was something that he had mentioned that struck her curiosity…

"Sari, dear, what's that Un-Eragon thing you talked about with the spider?" It was a bright sunny day, not that the sun was shining too brightly on Isengard. After much thinking and search through her (quite limited) knowledge of Middle-Earth, Arwen-Jade had no answer for what that thing was. She decided that it was time to ask her question to the noble man named Saruman.

"I believe you are referring to Ungoliant, Princess. Have you truly never heard of her?" Arwen-Jade nodded no. "Well, this is a story that dates back before even the elves that birthed your prince were in Middle Earth."

"What‽‽‽ There was a land for elves that isn't Middle Earth‽‽‽‽ Like, how is that possible‽‽‽‽"

"You see, my princess, the elves once lived on the same land as the gods. One day, the master of all evil teamed up with a huge spider…"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! SPIDER‽‽‽‽ That's SO scary!! How can you, like, even talk about big spiders‽‽‽‽ Don't continue talking please!! It's too scary!! Forget I asked!! No more spiders! AGH! The word even scares me because it's all creepy crawly icky webby ick!" Saruman studied the girl, who was now curled up in fetal position in fear of Ungoliant. Secretly, he found this scene quite laughable, but he was sure that he would lose the chance of getting any extra information from the girl if he laughed. He watched as the girl continued, and she began to cry noisily.

"Relax, Arwen-Jade, this spider cannot hurt you. She died a long time ago. If you truly wish it, I will tell you no more of the fascinating history of Middle Earth." The girl stopped crying for a moment. "If you wish it, you will hear no more of spiders."

"Really Sari?" Saruman nodded, using all of his self-control to not laugh. "Please, please, please, never, ever, ever, ever mention a spider again. It's just…oh, you wouldn't understand, dearest Sari. Only my true love could understand the pain I suffered in Pinkwood and why I must find him." Saruman was going to leave her be since she obviously did not want to talk, and he did not truly want to hear her anymore, but she grabbed him.

"WAIT! I'll tell you about why I had to leave Pinkwood before my love could come find me. You see, of all the gods, Hades has always hated me. I am more beautiful than Persephone, and he wanted to marry me. You see, that's really icky because Hades is all dead people and stuff, and I'm all for living and such. Hades only has spiders since I met his doggie, Sir Bear Us, and brought him home. He's my pet.

"Anyway, these spiders were sent to wrap me in webs and take me to him to be married in a ritual that involves the Necklace of Seduction that binds two beings together under the power of enslavement, one to the other. He was going to make me his love slave! And those spiders were really really mean, and they messed up my hair when I went to him! I would have been okay if my hair wasn't ruined, but those webs took one hundred years to get out, and I just couldn't leave Pinkwood with icky webs in my hair!

"Since then, I have always hated spiders." Arwen-Jade finished the story, her eyes a hot pink, an intense color that made Saruman unable to look the girl in her eyes. He supposed that the girl was looking for some sort of reassurance from him. He simply nodded and forced a smile on his face.

"I knew you'd understand!! Thank you Sari!! I'm so glad that you'll be my personal bodyguard!!" Saruman sighed. It seemed that nothing would ever be sane with Arwen-Jade around.

* * *

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Mary Sues tend to believe that they are related to Greek gods, or that a Greek god loves/hates them. I had fun with that! :D I will try to update this every weekend. I also have a poll up for what project I should work on after I've finished. Please review and give me your input!

Again, thank you fieryhairedmaiden92 for being my beta. I'd also like to thank We stand victorious for being my first and only reviewer.


	5. Enter the Servant

As Saruman moved to his study after the odd spider incident, he passed by the entrance hall of Isengard. He noticed a figure making its way towards his home, and was rather curious. He stepped out to welcome the visitor, secretly hoping that it was an orc coming to inform him of the capture of the hobbits. Instead, Wormtongue was running up ahead, looking paler and weaker than usual.

Saruman was shocked. He had not expected his faithful servant to return anytime soon. He was supposed to be watching the king! The look on his face told everything. Something in his brilliant plans had gone wrong. He was ready to kill the miserable little creature that destroyed his main plans for victory.

"What did you do, you miserable mongrel?" Saruman harshly whispered, dragging Wormtongue down the hall, "How did that fool of a king escape me? How could you let that happen?" The man started to tremble and fell to his knees. Saruman grabbed the man by the throat, leaving enough space between his hand and his neck for the worm to breathe and talk. Saruman would never kill someone without reaping all of their benefits. It just was not his style. He'd rather shove vinegar down the throats of those he captured than seduce them with words when he was angered, and he was now beyond the point of anger. Indeed, it was madness.

"Please, my lord, it was Gandalf's doing!" the pitiful man begged, hoping that he could survive another day. "A man with him stopped the King from killing me, and I have come to you with everything that I could find out before I was banished from Rohan. I am sorry!" Saruman looked at Wormtongue, hoping to find that he was lying. Unfortunately, it seemed that Wormtongue was being honest. Saruman finally had to accept the truth and move out of his state of insanity. He took a few moments to deeply breathe and let go of Wormtongue's neck, hearing the quick and heavy intake of breathe and Wormtongue's body falling onto the floor, still conscious, but weak.

"I am severely disappointed, Wormtongue. You will have to find a way to redeem yourself to me." Saruman suddenly grabbed Wormtongue's face and met his eyes, holding them close. "Now listen to me, and listen well. Odd happenings are afoot in Middle Earth, and I know how they will go. If we can plan this right, you and I will make it to the top of everything. Your work is needed in another manner." Wormtongue's eyes lit up, glad to hear that he had another chance at life. Saruman wanted to smack the man, but a servant was better alive and unharmed than abused, dead, and disloyal. No, he had to save his violence for the orcs.

"Thank you, my lord! Thank you, thank you! I shall never be able to repay you…"

"Silence, Wormtongue! Do not grovel! To grovel is what the men of Rohan do, not us, the two sane creatures in this tower of Isengard." Wormtongue, being a surprisingly bright man who had been partially raised by Saruman, did catch the word 'sane.' The wording made him quite curious. Was there another in this tower? Who would Saruman ever accept to come?

"My lord, is there someone else here?" Saruman nodded his assent.

"There is a girl who seems to have come from the middle of nowhere. I fear that you may not be able to understand what she says, for she speaks both Quenyan and Sindarin Elvish at the same time. She is evil and ruthless in a manner that seems innocent and corrupting at the same time. Her name is Arwen-Jade, and due to my manners towards houseguests, I do not violently murder anyone in the tower, which you should be glad to know.

"She claims to be in love with Legolas of Mirkwood," said Saruman, holding back his laughter. Wormtongue looked at him in a confused manner, noting that Saruman was not letting something out. After a moment, Saruman finally had to smile. Wormtongue nervously began to smile back, not sure if his action was the correct one.

"You see, my loyal servant, this girl is no mastermind. If she were, I doubt she would ever trust me. This girl has rather interesting information, so I am allowing her to live here for a while." Saruman looked Wormtongue in the eye. "You must stay out of her way, and you and I must put up an act of sorts. I do not want her to suspect anything. I am not sure how she will receive you, if your presence will be accepted. Please, be careful. I may not be so merciful the next time you ruin a plan of mine."

"My lord, what would happen if she got away? Is there anything she could reveal, any of our secrets? You are considered the enemy of Rohan, and I'm sure that Gondor will follow soon after once it hears of Théoden's near-demise. I am sure that the man will slaughter my name as well as yours, and Gandalf will ensure our ruin. Are your plans safe, my lord?" Saruman held back a smile. Comments like these reminded him why he had chosen the man to be his servant. As human as his desires were, he was quite brilliant and had a mind for strategy. It was simply the more human side that made the man malleable enough for his purpose.

"She will not leave the Forest until I give her permission. At the moment, she is convinced that Legolas is my best friend and that he will return to save her and bring her to Mirkwood. I shudder to think what she believes they will do…" Saruman got quiet for a second, trying to wipe the mental image away. He had never been fond of human needs, but he had used them to his advantage. One great thing about not being quite a mortal was the fact that one tended not to feel any strong emotions such as lust or love for mortals, with the exception of Melian. Saruman realized his mind was getting off-track, and he turned to Wormtongue once more.

"Indeed, there will be more to tell, but not at the moment. To put it bluntly, you smell worse than you look, and that is quite an accomplishment." Under the dirt, it seemed to look like Wormtongue was blushing. He nodded and hurried to his quarters, wondering what exactly this girl had in store for him and his master. Saruman smiled, realizing he had just obtained a new helping hand to watch the girl for him and keep her away. Slowly, he was about to make his way back to his study to continue his reading of the three books, but he was interrupted by Arwen-Jade.

"Goodnight Sari!!!!!!!!!! See you in the morning!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Goodnight to you as well, my lady." Arwen-Jade ran back up the stairs, and Saruman could not hold back a small chuckle when he heard a body fall and a rather unladylike word come from a rather squeaky and irritating voice. Realizing that he would not be able to concentrate on studying, Saruman went to get some much needed pipeweed and ale. If there was one thing humans were good for, this was definitely it.

* * *

Author's Note: Forgive me for the less funny and delayed chapter, but this chapter is necessary in order to introduce Wormtongue. As for the lateness...it's been a long month. I hope you enjoy next chapter, though. :)


	6. Arwen Jade the Chemist Part 1

The black tower of Isengard had an interesting recent history of unique experiments. This tower held the half breed Uruk-Hai, orcs and men combined, bringing the worst of both races into one incredible fighting monster. It held one of the last _palantír_, a symbol of a long forgotten time when men and elves lived at peace and battled against the darkness. There was Saruman, who was a member of an experimental volunteer group (as we of modern Earth would call it today) that came to help defend Middle Earth from the Dark Lord Sauron. There was also Saruman's ring, a unique piece of jewelry which enhanced the wizard's charisma and influence. Even with this rich history, none of these amazing discoveries could match what Arwen-Jade created in simply two days.

It started the morning after she confessed her arachnophobia. Arwen-Jade had woken up early to watch the sun rise from her small window. As she watched the sun rise, she spotted a cauldron of sorts in her room. She studied it closely, wondering what she should do with this interesting tool. It was somewhat dirty, but it was rather stable. She could barely lift the pot up. Quickly, she ran to clean it. As she began cleaning, her mind travelled back to a similar cauldron at home that she cooked in.

* * *

The sun had fully risen above Isengard, and the girl had not left her room yet. Saruman hoped that she would be dead, but he realized how minimal of a chance it truly was. He had just finished reading The Fellowship of the Ring, but he felt like it was rather repetitive since all of these events had already happened in his timeline. As interesting as the little details were, Saruman could not be bothered with it at the moment. He made his way up the staircase, hoping the girl was not doing anything too disturbing. What he found was rather surprising.

"What are you creating, my lady?" asked the Istar, confused at what the girl was making in the old chamber pot that he found at a troll's home. As disgusting as she was, his curiosity was piqued by the fact that the girl with a small attention span had been focusing on her odd creation for so long. Perhaps it was something that could help him!

"I'm cooking!" replied the rather excited tree elf, "My cooking is very special, but I can't tell anyone here…it's a special rule." Saruman raised an eyebrow at this, surprised that the girl could think she could keep a secret. He waited in silence for about five seconds before the girl's resolve to keep a secret was crushed.

"Fine! Just keep it a secret, Sari-Bear! Well, back when I was friends with Hermes, he taught me special cooking skills, so I make special recipes. They have special powers…I think he called them pole-shuns. They can make people invisible, or disguise them, or do anything! I'm preparing special ones in case. You know, I made moly for Ode-Is-Us, and that, like, totally saved his life! So leave now! I can't concentrate with a totally awesome human in the same room!"

"As you wish, Arwen-Jade," said the Istar, hiding his shock that the girl had an attention span of more than five seconds and the fact that she could create complicated magic from supplies. Walking down the stairs, he decided that it was about time to continue reading. He figured she would be busy for a lot of the day, focusing on her magic and not on tormenting him. The prospects of an entire day without the girl constantly blabbering on were quite bright and exciting.

As exciting as this time without Arwen-Jade was, Saruman could not help but be nervous. This girl was caused chaos wherever she went, and he wasn't sure if he could trust the girl with odd supplies over a fire. As much as he disliked the girl, he did not want to blow up his home because he was not paying attention. He was terrified by the thought, but did not want to spend the entire day in her company. As he thought through this little dilemma, he saw Wormtongue reading a book. With a big smile on his face, Saruman decided that he had a better plan.

* * *

"As you wish, sir," said Wormtongue, still looking peaky and jumpy from the previous night. Slowly, he made his way up the stairs behind Saruman to meet this very peculiar girl that had taken temporary residence in Isengard. He could not help but wonder what kind of child could wear down his ever-patient master to be the rather paranoid wizard he was now. He shivered for a moment, fearing the worst for his life. As Wormtongue began to see black, Saruman stopped, opening a small door from the staircase.

"Hello, my lady. I must introduce you to a friend of mine." Wormtongue hid a smile at the usage of the word friend. He knew he would never be on that level, as much as he would like to be considered anywhere near equal to Saruman. Unfortunately, he knew that it would never happen. He turned his attention to the figure working over what appeared to be a huge chamber pot. His eyes widened in shock.

The girl looked like his Éowyn. Her hair was beautiful, long and golden, hanging freely down her back. She was dressed in all white, the color of true purity and beauty. Her posture was perfect. Wormtongue felt his heart beat quicken.

Of course, this reaction stopped when he saw her face. Her eyes were an unnatural bright orange, making him nauseous in fear of what the girl could do. Around her eyes were dark lines of what looked like charcoal. Her ears were extremely pointy, and Wormtongue feared that she could kill someone by stabbing with it. Alas, Wormtongue did not realize that the worst was yet to come.

"Oh my gawd! It's SOOOOOOOOO adorable! Like a little ugly teddy bear who needs a big hug! It's emo! Can I name it Gerard?" The girl looked rather excited, as if Wormtongue was her gift. The only thing keeping Wormtongue from running away was the fact that Saruman would kill him if he left.

"No, dear Arwen-Jade, he is no toy. His name is Gríma, son of Galmod. He is my loyal servant and friend, and he wishes to meet with you. I told him that you were quite stunning, and he could not resist staying away." Wormtongue's mind was spinning. What was Saruman trying to do to him? He needed serious help, somewhere else, just not here. Just anywhere safe, or just kill the girl. Wormtongue prayed to the gods for help.

"Gríma is going to be your special helper for today. Just ask him to do whatever you want him to do, and it will be done. I will leave you two here to get acquainted." Wormtongue wanted to cry as he watched Saruman walk down the stairs. He turned back to Arwen-Jade, who looked at him with a rather mischievous gleam in her eyes.

* * *

Wormtongue had suffered from rather humiliating and painful experiences, but none could compare to what these past few hours had been. Wormtongue had "bravely volunteered" to test the girl's magical liquids. Magical indeed, they had rather interesting results. In that time, Wormtongue had turned into an elf, watched his clothing disappear (Arwen-Jade seemed to find that amusing), turned into a worm, and been forced to do some odd movements the girl called "The Cot On Ay Jo."* This current experiment was the worst.

"Oh my gawd, Gree-mee, you are SOOO beautiful as a girl. I mean, like, no other look can compare to this one! You are SOOO totally hot! Your name should be, like, Grimanda I think you should, like, totally go to Saruman like this and ask him on a date, Grimanda! Oh my gawd! Oh my gawd!" The being formerly known as Wormtongue began to blush rather heavily. He was starting to think that death by Saruman would be preferred to this insanity.

"Oh my gawd wait a mini-minute! Oh my gawd, this eyeliner goes SO well with your natural colors. Sit!" She motioned to a chair, which he looked at, but was afraid to sit in. A rather strong push changed his position. He felt hands and odd shapes moving across his face. He closed his eyes, hoping some Vala or Maia would take pity on him and kill him or kill the girl.

"All done, Grimanda!" The girl pulled up a mirror and Gríma looked at his reflection. A thud on the floor and three seconds passed.

"SARI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grimanda seems to be taking a nap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

* - In case you were thrown off by the spelling, Gríma was doing the Cotton Eyed Joe.  
Also, Ode-Is-Us is Odysseus from the Odyssey. Moly was an herb that Hermes gave him to help him resist the magic of Circe.

Thanks again to fieryhairedmadien92 for her awesome beta-ing skills. :)


	7. Arwen Jade the Chemist Part 2

Saruman sighed. It was not easy relaxing while Arwen-Jade was around. He had just about to finish the first chapter of The Two Towers when that girl called out something about a Grímanda. He figured it was some sort of odd nickname for Gríma. He was about to go up to see what was going on when he heard crashing sounds coming from the stairs. The sight that followed the sound made Saruman nauseous, again, a task which is very hard to accomplish considering that he had bred the Uruk-Hai.

Arwen-Jade never looked too lovely. Saruman suppose she could be pretty in a stereotypical human way, but she was by no means beautiful to his eyes. She was too natural, and at the same time, too unnatural. Her ever-changing eyes were now yellow as she came stampeding down the stairs. For the first time since she had arrived, she was not the scariest thing in Isengard. It was the figure that followed behind her.

Saruman knew it had to be Wormtongue. There was no other person in Isengard other than him, and he had been up with her for a while. At the same time, it really could not be him. Wormtongue seemed to have gone through a rather interesting change in the past few hours. His short, greasy hair was now wavy locks of gold. His face was no longer the shadowed one he had once known as it was covered in what Arwen-Jade liked to call "make-up." He looked like a princess, a rather familiar one…like Éowyn!

"What has happened here, Arwen-Jade?" Saruman wanted to kill the girl, – she had to make her pay for ruining his one and only servant – but he was actually afraid of what the girl could do to him. The girl simply smiled at him.

"Oh my gawd, Sari! You see, I thought you needed a wife. And I was afraid you wanted Gríma as a husband, and it would be so un-hot to watch you two…"

"I am not attracted to humans," Saruman proclaimed, deciding that he would rather not hear Arwen-Jade complete her sentence.

"But Sari, you're so lonely! You need someone!!! You're only human!" Arwen-Jade looked at him, her eyes turning orange.

"I am not human, Arwen-Jade." Saruman sighed. The girl was so dumb sometimes; he could not understand how she had survived. Every human and elf of Middle-Earth knew of his immense power as a wizard, yet this girl was oblivious. Saruman truly did not want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she was not of Middle Earth, but circumstances seemed to push him toward that conclusion. The girl's eyes widened, changing many colors as she dropped the form of the former Gríma to the ground.

"What d'ya mean, not human‽‽" The girl was genuinely surprised, making Saruman truly unhappy as he accepted the conclusion that she was of another place and did not know anything. The girl looked at him as if she had only seen him for the first time at the moment. Saruman felt somewhat uncomfortable under her gaze, but did not show it.

"I am an Istar, or what most of the races of Middle Earth call a wizard. I came from my homeland to help defeat Sauron and bring Middle Earth to peace." Saruman hoped that she would understand it since he had not included any words with more than two syllables. Fortunately for him, she seemed to comprehend as her eyes turned a fierce red.

"Are you immortal?" asked the girl. Saruman took a moment before answering, not sure if the girl would understand the difference between his mortal body and his spirit. He decided to let her come to her own conclusion.

"I am like the elves in terms of how long I can live." The girl's eyes widened again. She smirked. Saruman held back a shudder, afraid of what that smirk meant.

"Do you have good stamina?" the girl asked, winking at him. Saruman was flabbergasted. What was this girl implying? Why was the dimwit suddenly confusing him? Was her stupidity all an act? Suddenly, he caught on. The reasoning he came up with was no comfort as the word "flirt" came to mind.

The girl was flirting…with him? Inconceivable! He was so glad that he could not enter her mind. It must be sick and twisted in there if she could DREAM of…he didn't even want to think the word. So disgusting, so human, so wrong was the idea of her wanting to – he could not even think the word – he had no response for her. He wanted to scream out, tell her to get away, but he feared that she would leave along with the books of knowledge. He took a breath and decided to change the subject.

"Would you mind turning Gríma back into his original state, Arwen-Jade? He and I do not share any…special relationships, nor have I ever wanted to participate in one with anyone, let alone him." The girl looked truly disappointed.

"But…but Grímanda is so pretty! Please?" Arwen-Jade looked into his eyes, "I'll give you anything…and I won't tell anyone about it." Her eyes, which had faded to a light pink, were now a deep red. Saruman wanted to run away, but he knew that he could survive this.

Taking a deep breath, he responded, "I will hold you to that promise and I will tell you when your help is needed." It could never hurt for the girl to owe him a debt. Sighing, the girl dragged poor Gríma up the stairs. Ten minutes later, a rather alert and frightened Gríma walked down the stairs in his former form as a male.

"The girl wishes that you visit her in the morning," said the servant, collapsing on a chair near Saruman. "She has many other potions that she would like to show you." Saruman nodded to Wormtongue and signaled for him to go rest. He definitely deserved it after his experiences that night.

Saruman was awakened the next morning by the sound of running feet and a screechy voice. He quickly combed out his beard and hair in order to look halfway decent. He reminded himself that this girl may be horrifying, but as one of the five Istar that came to Middle Earth (and the only one on the path of good), he had to always do his best to make a good impression, even if it was on a pathetic and frightening creature like Arwen-Jade.

"Sari!!!!! Are you ready‽‽‽ I want to show you all the special drinks!" The girl ran into his room, her eyes a neon green. She grabbed his hand and started pulling him out of the room, an amusing sight for Wormtongue, who had hidden in the shadows as Arwen-Jade attacked his master. Suddenly, Saruman pulled back, knocking Arwen-Jade onto the floor. A ghost of a smile appeared on his face before it was covered with a mask of sorrow.

"I am so sorry, my lady. Are you feeling well?" asked Saruman, ever the polite gentlemen.

"Awwwww…how sweet! My Sari cares! I am fine, my Sari-Bear. Or Sari-Izzy-too, as you say you are." Saruman rolled his eyes and watched the girl rise. With a little less energy than before, she began to climb up the staircase, followed closely behind by Saruman. As they approached the door, Saruman felt it would be wise to speak his wishes at that moment.

"My dear Arwen-Jade, I must ask you something of great importance." The girl stopped and stared at him, surprised since she had never seen Saruman so insistent about something.

"You see, my dear Gríma has told me that you have many potions with many powers in your room. I trust your abilities in creating safe potions, I truly do, but I would ask one boon from you, my most beautiful lady. I would like, if I may, to watch you test the potions that you have created." Arwen-Jade looked somewhat disappointed as he finished speaking, but quickly brightened up.

"Anything for you, Sari! Let's go!" She opened the door to her room. It was filled with many different little glass beakers with different colored liquids in each one. Saruman secretly admitted that he was impressed.

"Let me give you the grand tour," said Arwen-Jade, moving her arms dramatically. They first stopped at a bright pink potion.

"This potion is called the Astfay potion. It makes people move fast for as long as they need to move fast. I'll show you!" The girl took a small sip of the potion and smiled. A pink aura surrounded her and then disappeared. Saruman felt a breeze pass him and footsteps on the stairs, followed by a scream of terror and more footsteps up. In a matter of seconds, it seemed that Arwen-Jade had gone down the stairs, lifted Gríma from his hiding spot, and brought him upstairs.

"That is quite a fascinating find, my lady. What else have you?" Saruman was very curious. He had never seen anything work like this before, and he had lived among gods and goddesses. This girl could be very useful indeed. She walked over to a purple colored potion before she continued speaking.

"This is the Owslay potion. It makes people move slowly for as long as they person who gives the potion wants them to move slow. I will show you!" Arwen-Jade grabbed Gríma's mouth and held it open, dropping two drops of the potion in Gríma's mouth. He closed his mouth and tried to scream, but his mouth seemed to be opening in slow motion. Saruman silently admitted to himself that he found the display quite amusing. He turned to Arwen-Jade, who seemed to have progressed to the next potion which was a beautiful crimson red.

"This potion can create special physical feelings in a man. I call it Emortania. I won't demonstrate it on me, though I'd like to demonstrate on you." Arwen-Jade winked, causing Saruman's stomach to churn once again. She moved over to a murky brown potion.

"This potion is called the Polly's Juice. It makes the person who drinks it look like another person for as long as they want to." Arwen-Jade took a swig and suddenly looked like Wormtongue. After performing a rather feminine action that had Wormtongue running away with bright red cheeks, she turned back into herself. She giggled softly before moving to the next potion, a lime green color.

"This one makes things explode! Watch this, Sari!" She put some of the potion into another bottle and threw it out the window. To Saruman's surprise, the potion made it a great distance away and hit a bunch of trees. He watched as the girl's mouth dropped and tears began to fall from her eyes.

"I KILLED A TREE!!! NO!!!!!!!!" Arwen-Jade was crying hysterically, and Saruman was afraid.

"I will leave you here, my lady. Thank you for your interesting knowledge." Arwen-Jade nodded at Saruman as he took his leave. Once getting down the stairs, he breathed a sigh of relief. He could not help but hope that things would get easier.

* * *

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this little section. Poor Wormtongue! As usual, I'd like to thank fieryhairedmadien for her help.  
Two small Harry Potter references in the chapter! Tell me if you find them!  
Next chapter includes our favorite walking, talking forest. :)


	8. Arwen Jade the Explorer

Arwen-Jade woke up the next morning feeling truly wonderful. Everything was going her way. She had a pet Gríma and a best friend Sari, and a true love Leggy heading her way. How could life get any more perfect? With such a wise and handsome old man, a bumbling sidekick, and a cutie-patootie elf, life was good.

As she sat there, dreaming of her elf, she began to wonder if there was something wrong with him. It seemed that he had not come to her, and she was worried. She had meant for them to create an eternal vow of love and then go off to help Zeus chain Hades in lightning bolts with the help of her Leg-Leg and that really powerful ring she kept hearing about that a little boy named Frou-Frou (or Do-do or something ridiculous and rhyming like that) carried around. She had already been with her best friend for four days, and it was all fine and dandy, but she worried that Sari might fall in love with her, and she did not want to break his heart.

With that thought in mind, Arwen-Jade decided to find her elf. She began her march down the stairs, readying herself for anything ahead. She stopped for a moment to reapply her eyeliner before continuing to the door. As she went to open the door, it suddenly moved by itself. She was amazed. How was she to know that Saruman's pretty tower Eye-Guard was this magical? Her amazement disappeared as she saw Saruman opening the door.

"My lady, did you need something?" asked Saruman, the very definition of a gentleman.

"I am going on a noble quest, Sari! Isn't that exciting‽ I'm going to find my Lego in the woods over there, so if you would walk away and tell me good luck and wait for me, I'll be on my way…" To her annoyance, Saruman did not move out of the way. She got nervous. Was he already in love with her?

"Arwen-Jade, do you know what is in that forest? Dangerous creatures lurk in there, and it would be best if you stayed in the tower until I can show you around." Arwen-Jade smiled at him, thinking about how sweet it was that he cared about her safety. She decided to try her luck and see if he would kiss her passionately if she continued on her way.

"I know, Sari dear, but my Leggy needs my help. I think he's in there. I can never ever live without him!! I need him, Sari!!" She watched his reaction, eyes turning orange as her curiosity took over. She watched as his eyebrows furrowed together, like two little worms sliding down a hill. She held off a disgusted face at the picture; all worms are creepy, no matter where they are. The man moved closer and put a hand on her shoulder. She began to get very nervous as he moved down to look her in the eyes.

"My dear, I did not wish to mention the word to describe the horror…but there are spiders hidden in the forest." Arwen-Jade paused and flinched.

"SPIDERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!" she screamed, running back up the stairs without noticing the smirk on Saruman's face. She ran and ran, getting slowly, but surely out of breath before she reached her room. She collapsed on her bed and passed out.

* * *

Arwen-Jade was getting bored. She looked around her dull and dusty room, wondering what she should do. Arwen-Jade reflected back to her favorite room in the world that she had lived in when she was with Freya. It was beautiful, pink and reds with a tint of gold. Why couldn't she have a pretty room like that? _Poor Sari is a dear soul_, thought the princess, _But he cannot decorate anything_.' With this thought in mind, Arwen-Jade suddenly brightened up. She ran down the stairs, screaming out for her Sari to come.

As she reached the bottom of the stairs, she found her Sari, waiting with an odd look (of ill disguised annoyance, but she didn't recognize this) on his face and her dear pet. She quickly gave the man a hug and pet Gríma on the head.

"My lady, you called for me. Is there something wrong?" asked Saruman, his robes seeming to turn a blue-green color.

"My room is boring! I want to decorate it!" said the peppy Arwen-Jade, "Please, please Sari? It's all for the greater good…" She made puppy eyes at the old wizard, who barely stopped himself from rolling his own eyes at her display.

"If you wish to decorate, you may, my lady. Please, take Gríma to assist you. Take what supplies you can find or create as long as you do not enter my study. I am working hard on something, and I would prefer to not be disturbed since the contents of my efforts are perilous to us." Arwen-Jade, who had listened to and understood about every fourth word, nodded and began to drag Gríma back up the stairs.

* * *

That night, Arwen-Jade sat in her hot pink room and thought. This was quite a momentous occasion, since it was not only thinking, but plotting. The plotting, however, was quite a predictable idea. Somehow, she had come to the conclusion that her Sari did not want her to leave the tower. She knew it was all for her own good, but she needed to find Leggy, whether Sari approved or not. She began to tie all of the sheets in her room together to make a chain to reach the ground. As she threw the chain down, she became very nervous. The sheets did not touch the ground!

She had a moment of clarity, just one moment. The idea that she could die if she were to drop the sheets on her descent, or run into a dangerous spider nearly stopped her from going down the sheets. As quickly as it had come, the moment ended, and she knew that her true love, Legolas Greenleaf, was depending on her.

If only she had not forgotten her moment of thoughtfulness, she would have not fallen twenty stories from her room. You see, Arwen-Jade forgot the fact that a rope needed to be tied to something on the top to stay steady. She felt herself fall to the ground and felt the soft dirt. She was in pain, severe pain, but Arwen-Jade knew that Legolas could fix her if she just travelled on. She walked for a few steps and collapsed.

* * *

By the time Arwen-Jade regained consciousness, it was daylight. She looked forward and saw a lot of trees.

"What a great distance I have walked!" said the girl aloud, not noticing that Isengard was right behind her. She began to walk forward to the edge of the forest, excited to find her Leggy. Suddenly, she heard some groaning. Was it her Leggy? Arwen-Jade ran forward, her eyes purple, excited to see him. She entered the forest, looking eagerly around for her Leggy. She was suddenly overcome with a sense of anger, and it wasn't her own. The tree seemed to glare menacingly at her. Afraid, she was about to step out of the forest and try to find her way back to her Sari when she heard another set of groans. Using her ultra-strong hearing, she decided to listen to what was going on.

"Our roads go together – to Isengard!" said the grumbling voice. Arwen-Jade felt her heart lift. It must be someone with her Leggy! He was safe! There was nothing to worry about. She decided to go back to Isengard and surprise her Sari with the news that her Leggy was coming with another person.

* * *

Saruman should have been suspicious when the girl had not come down at noon to ask for lunch, or come downstairs for two days now, but he was too comforted by the fact that she was not there. He sipped his tea, sitting and puzzling over who this J.R.R. Tolkien might be. He thought that he could be Malbeth the Seer under another name. The man was very secretive, and his prediction about Arvedui was quite accurate. He pondered the details, enjoying the silence of his study.

"SARI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Saruman jumped, nearly spilling his tea all over the books. Apparently, the girl had returned. Saruman quickly put the books away and walked out to the main entrance.

"Do you need something, my lady?" he asked, nervous to hear what she had to say. The girl's eyes were changing colors rapidly.

"My Leggy is coming and some other guy! He had a gruff voice and I heard them when I went into the forest, and he was like 'Dude, let's go to Isengard together!' and it was them! PREPARE THE PLACE! I'm sure my Leggy will give you a huge reward when he comes, I swear it! Ooh, I'm so happy!" With that, Arwen-Jade began to go into a series of fangirlish squeals, which thoroughly frightened Saruman almost as much as Sauron had when he first discovered his ventures into the palantír. The girl stopped for a moment.

"Oh, the trees felt angry…but Leggy is coming!!!!!" Caught up in her happiness, Arwen-Jade did not notice Saruman turn pale and his robes freeze in a murky brown for a moment, nor did she see the look of horror on his face. She did not notice as he hurried back to the study, not sure what to do next.

* * *

Author's Note: Sorry it took a while. I've had a lot going on, but don't worry. The next chapter should come soon! Reviews are appreciated!


End file.
